LYRICS

(The lunchroom of Schmidt, Schmidt & Schmidt.)

(REX enters and sits at the table. PAULA BLAND, a dull but loud accountant enters, sighs, and sits down next to REX.)

PAULA: Hey there, REX.

REX: (Trying not to enter into a conversation) Oh, hi, Paula.

(REX opens up his lunch, looks in, then closes it in surprise. Confused, he looks at the name on the bag. It clearly says “Rex.”)

PAULA: What is it?

REX: Oh, nothing. It’s just that there appears to be a strange new food in my lunch. I wonder if it’s tofu. (Sniffs it.) Nope, definitely not tofu.

PAULA: It looks…like dog food.

REX: Well, that’s funny. Why would Mary give me dog food for lunch? It must be some new kind of soy-protein-stew thing. I hope it’s not too mushy.

PAULA: Mushy?

REX: I have texture issues.

PAULA: Me too! That’s why I’ve found the perfect lunchtime solution. You should try it.

PAULA:

FOR FIFTEEN-SOMETHING YEARS
HERE AT SCHMIDT, SCHMIDT AND SCHMIDT
I BRING A POWER BUFFET,
THE SAME THING EVERY DAY
TO WIT:

TWO SLICES OF CHEESE. AMERICAN!

PAULA:

TWO SLICES OF BREAD, WHITE!
AND WHADYATHINK
I HAVE TO DRINK?
DIET COKE! RIGHT.

PAULA:

THIS IS
MY CHEESE SANDWICH,
NOT TURKEY ON RYE.
WHY BOTHER TO TRY
ANYTHING NEW?
I'VE GOT
A CHEESE SANDWICH.
THE BREAD'S NOT TOO DRY.
IT'S SIMPLE TO BUY,
EASY TO CHEW.

NOW I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG
BUT MY SMALL PLASTIC BAG
HOLDS A FLAVOR THAT'S JUST ROBUST
SO LOVELY FROM CRUST TO CRUST
THAT'S

MY CHEESE SANDWICH,
NO KETCHUP OR FRIES
I THINK IT'S UNWISE
FATTENING, TOO.
IT'S JUST
A CHEESE SANDWICH.
IT'S JUST THE RIGHT SIZE
WHO'D WANT A SURPRISE
REALLY, WOULD YOU?

PAULA (cont’d):

AND THOSE SLICES OF BREAD,
FEED YOUR SOUL, FILL YOU HEAD
IT'S NO WONDER THIS SANDWICH
IS MINE, OH MINE.

PAULA & COWORKERS:

MY CHEESE SANDWICH
NOT HEATED OR CHILLED
NOT TOASTED OR GRILLED
NOTHING ASKEW
YES, IT'S
A CHEESE SANDWICH
IT'S EASY TO BUILD
SO EVEN UNSKILLED
PEOPLE CAN DO.

PAULA & COWORKERS:

IT'S THE PERFECT DESIGN
AND SO PERFECTLY FINE
FROM PORT, STARBOARD, FORWARD TO AFT
METICULOUS, DELICATE KRAFT!
THAT'S

PAULA & COWORKERS:

MY CHEESE SANDWICH
THE BEST, POUND FOR POUND
INDEED, WORLD-RENOWNED,
HERE TO PERU
ESTE ES
UN CHEESE SANDWICH
NOT TOO SQUARE, NOT TOO ROUND
MATHEMATICALLY SOUND
TWO PLUS TWO.

PAULA & COWORKERS:

DON'T NEED FRILLS, DON'T NEED FLUFF
CUZ THE CHEESE IS ENOUGH
AND THIS ELEGANT, MASTERFUL, WONDERFUL SANDWICH
IS MINE, OH MINE.

PAULA & COWORKERS:

DON'T NEED FRILLS, DON'T NEED FLUFF
CUZ THE CHEESE IS ENOUGH
AND THIS ELEGANT, MASTERFUL, WONDERFUL SANDWICH
IS MINE, OH MINE.

PAULA: What happened to you?

(REX barks.)

PAULA: I think you need to go home.

(PAULA grabs REX by the scruff and lets him out of the room through the back door. REX carries his briefcase in his teeth.)

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